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STEP ONE: view this video with your volume turned way the fuck up…

is it up??? like UP??? like you’re bustin out, doin ::the sprinkler:: UP??

k. good. we’re gettin the engine started…

STEP TWO: grab yourself a cocktail, it doesn’t need to contain alcohol and you will not be made fun of for drinking non-alcoholic beverages… unless it’s o’doul’s, in which case, you may just wanna keep that info to yourself. if you’re indecisive when it comes to beverages, scope these puppies out by clicking here and here for some yummy suggestions.

STEP THREE: try not to be scurred. you don’t even have to look at us, if you don’t want to. we’re not goin all BIG BROTHER on your ass and scoping you out, tracking your IP address, your blog (if you have one), your twitter account, your stats, etc. hell, i can’t even scope my own out without the help of @PrincessJenn. point being, we just wanna build community and hang with people who aren’t attending BlogHer in NYC for whatever reason. that’s it. you don’t have to have a blog yourself in order to leave comments here. you don’t have to have a twitter account, though it would help you out when it comes time to launch this bitch… but when it all comes down to it, this wee-babe was created last year on a whim and for shits and giggles and fun. our dazzling hosts this year are all about paying it forward. bottom line: we’re just here to hang, connect with people and get good dirt on one another.

STEP FOUR: participate. DUR… this means we want you to subscribe to our feed, leave comments, tells us who you are, get in on the kickass giveaways we have this year. and ps- can i just say that it’s incredible to have so many amazing people and businesses getting involved with us this year?!?! because last year, i had to write this post in order to get some shit. and it’s kinda nice knowing that i don’t have to go back to moonlighting this year. i’m just sayin…

STEP FIVE: let us know if you want to guest post on here. if you’re new to BlogHer@Home and want to put yourself out there with a post that says, “I DON’T FUCKING GET IT!!!” for cripes’ sake, speak up. contact us. no, seriously. please do because that means i’ll have less posts to write.

STEP SIX: patience dear grasshoppas… the actual BlogHer conference isn’t taking place for a few more weeks, which means that you have plenty of time to do a little research on here, see how things went down last year and get updates on how it’ll go down this year. follow BlogHer@Home on twitter for updates as well as for fun chatty time with us. hell, you don’t even have to wear pants. we won’t know!!! unless you tell us… hehehe…

in conclusion, this is your brain on BlogHer@Home. any questions?

i was in a bar with a friend a couple of weeks ago when the world cup was going on and US was playing England. the game tied. not only do i have zero interest in “soccer/football,” but i don’t understand how even though you tie a game, you somehow still win it????

whatever, that’s not the point.

so, both the american and british folk in the bar were celebrating because both had tied/won.

so this one british bloke starts a discussion with my friend and i about british vocabulary and how words like “bugger” and “bollocks” should be incorporated into the american vocabulary.

as i sat there and listened to him drudge on and on, i realized that the majority of the words and/or phrases he used as examples began with the letter “b.”

and THEN it dawned on me that i needed to write a drink post soon…

and THEN it dawned on me that everyone needs a good bloody mary recipe.

chances are, when the folks in NYC who are attending the conference wake up on saturday and sunday morning, they’ll pop some advil and then go for one of two things… coffee… or a bloody mary.

the same holds true for us BHAH10 folks. i just prefer the spicay over the coffee when it comes to having a hangover… and a side of bacon never hurts.

so behold, my favorite bloody mary recipe…

1 1/2 ounces vodka (i use absolut peppar)
1/2 cup tomato juice
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
worcestershire sauce to taste
tabasco sauce to taste
1 celery stick for garnish
1 lemon wedge for garnish

*for you super sassy spicay lovas, add a dash of horseradish to the mixture.*

combine the vodka, tomato juice, lemon juice, worcestershire sauce, tabasco, a cup ice cubes, and salt and pepper to taste, shake the mixture well, and strain it into a tall glass filled with ice cubes.

garnish that bitch with the celery stick and lemon wedge after dipping the lemon-juiced rim of the glass in a combination of crushed black pepper and sea salt.

and while you’re drinking that bitch do me a favor and go win yourself a purse

so, in my 3 years of blogging, i’ve written only one sex post for a website a while back. ONE. i popped my cherry and posted a story about my very first experience in a sex shop. the post was saucy, complete with madonna references and ending with one of my besties buying the bullet for me… since she was responsible for popping my sex shop cherry.

that being said, here i am, with an orgasmic GIVEAWAY FOR YOU!!!

the only bootay the BlogHer in NYC attendees will be receiving the weekend of the conference will be if spectacularly sexay sleepovers take place.

those of us attending BlogHerAtHome… hehehe… BONUS!!!

and whether you are one who will be at your computer with bated breath to see mah bewbies (sorry to disappoint, i only save that for BHAH video conference meetings) or one who will be checking in with us throughout the weekend and then taking a break for some nookie, i can assure you, this giveaway will satisfy.

take it from the “almost” virginal sex poster.

enough of my bullshit… here are the details…

the ever-so-luscious Maniacal Mom is offering a generous gift basket containing the following goodies…

1. Fireworks, edible body lotion
2. RomantaTherapy Alluring Body lotion
3. Pure Instinct Perfume
4. Bullet
5. Nipple Nibblers
6. Mini Locking Toy Box (can’t be purchased on the site as this is normally only available for hostesses of Passion Parties total worth of this prized package (hehe… “package”) = $112.00 (before taxes)

so in order to win, submit pictures of your bewbies, we ask you to do the following… you will receive one entry for each (so 4 possible entries)…

• leave a comment below, telling us why you want/NEED this lusciousness in your life and/or your plans to use said contents should you find yourself to be the lucky weiner winner.
• head over to our generous donor’s site, scope out the goods, and comment us back here, letting us know of one thing you would want from her site to improve your sex life.
• Follow BlogHer@Home and Maniacal Mom on Twitter and leave us a comment saying that you do
• of course, tweeting out this post and sharing the love. don’t forget to comment back here with the link of your tweet puhlease.

should you come up empty-handed, fear not, you can visit her website and indulge in your own way.

so… jump on it, and let’s get this booty call party started!!!

**the fine print**

Contest available to US & Canadian residents

Please leave one comment per entry please.  Duplicate entries will be deleted.

Contest closes June 18,2010 @ 5pm EST

Winner will be drawn from all eligible entries by a random number generator

*****

UPDATE:

We have a winner from Maniacal Mom’s generous awesome giveaway of redonkulously awesome toys!

The winner is…

*drum roll*

@nannyanya!   Congratulations!  Please email or DM me your address so we can get you your goodies.

alright lovelies, if you haven’t seen all the twitter buzz about aidan donnelley rowley’s newly released rookie novel, Life After Yes, then you’re doing one of a number of things…  either you are 1. living in a hole that doesn’t have wifi… 2. not following her on twitter… 3. not reading her blog… 4. LIVING IN A HOLE.

so, what do we here at BlogHer@Home like to do with people who live in holes? we like to give shit away… ya know, to enlighten you and whatnot.

you can read my raging review of aidan donnelley rowley’s Life After Yes on amazon.com by clicking here, or you can be tantalizingly teased with the first sentence in chapter 1…

“I’m already with another man.”

**********

you know the drill… leave a comment below letting us know what exactly you say “YES” to and why = 1 entry
and of course follow BlogHerAtHome and aidan on twitter and tweet about this giveaway (leave us a comment with a link to the tweet) = 1 entry.

Contest closes June 4th at 5pm EST and winner will be chosen by a random number generator (just to make it fair and all)

CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED.  THE WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED SHORTLY

MEGA CONGRATS TO AIDAN!!!

Congratulations Smug Married who won the hot copy of ‘Life After Yes’!

that’s right, TONIGHT as in THURSDAY eve.  race out to the liquor store immediately after reading this post, stock up on your snacks, and get ready to rock this bitch TONIGHT AT 9 PM EST.

{Note from Jenn:  Yeah, I know we said we were going to launch tomorrow. We couldn’t wait to start giving stuff away (and the tweets and emails asking when we were going to launch and could we do it soon were getting to be a bit much).  So Nic and I moved things up to tonight}

here’s how we’re launching yo….  we’re going all tinychat style on your asses…  so tonight at the designated time mentioned above (9 PM EST for those of you who missed it already) log in to http://www.tinychat.com/bhah09 and you will find your’s truly as well as jenn rockin out our pjs and starting our giveaways.

we will be giving away 5 items tonight folks…  danny‘s book RAGE Against the Meshugenah will be the first item to go, followed by our first of TWO sets of pearl earrings to giveaway, a luscious $50 giftcard to starbucks courtesy of ali, and ending with saucy sara‘s drinky-poo pendant.  go BIG or go home folks!  (oh wait, we are at home…)

GET YOUR COMMENTS IN NOW!!!  (if you haven’t already done so.)  we will be closing comments as soon as we launch this evening’s kick off chat.

Another Jenn note: No you don’t need to be online tonight to win, but wouldn’t it be da bomb to be the first to find out you’ve won?  Like for reals?

in addition to launching this drunken home haze of our’s, jenn and i will be providing you with a full schedule of events for the coming weekend.  so pay attention and don’t get too drunk…  or…  get drunk and recheck the schedule tomorrow.

aside from being scared shitless, jenn and i are both so unbelievably stoked about launching Blogher@Home.  we are proud of our little baby here, and have gotten so much awesome support from so many people.

THANK YOU!

word on the street is that the peeps who are in chicago will be hearing where the locale is for BlogHer 2010 will be, and tickets will then go on sale.

CRIKEY! (did i spell that right? it looks weird to me.)

this means a couple of things for jenn and myself… it means that we’d lurve a little sponsorship to attend BlogHer 2010 (hint hint wink wink) and it also means that we will be looking for hosts for Blogher@Home 2010.  that way you don’t have to look at our stinken faces, nor hear our drunken voices two years in a row via tinychat.

so…  what have we learned here????

1) BlogHer@Home launches TONIGHT at 9 pm EST

2) go to http://www.tinychat.com/bhah09 to find jenn and nic.

3) buy booze

4) our first 5 giveaways will be TONIGHT, get comments in NOW

5) jenn and nic would like sponsors for BlogHer 2010 puhlease

6) buy booze

ok….  class dismissed!  see ya tonight!

well then… after being called out for my vacays-a-plenty, i decided to bitch myself up a little more and tease you all with pictures of what i will be wearing this weekend, while hosting Blogher@Home as well as attending my college roommate’s wedding.

eat me, jenn! (ps- i love you.)

since plenty of bloggers have been posting pics upon pics of clothes they’ll be wearing to party after party party in chicago…  i give you the following…

and at this point in time i would post pics of the real rehearsal dinner attire i will be wearing, but i cannot…  a delicious friend, who i am not yet ready to reveal, gifted me the attire that i will be sporting friday evening.  those pics will be posted upon my return with a full write-up of this designer’s awesomeness.  but i needed to tease with something hot and sexy, so i went with the purple dress that i wore to a wedding i went to a few months ago…  hehehe…

and for an extra dose of bitchassness, i’ll throw in a pic of me and hub bub in full attire from another wedding… (and yes, i have a tendency to wear the same wedding attire to multiple weddings regardless of whether or not the same people are attending the wedding.)

so to conclude my post of vanity, i leave you with the words of meredith brooks…  “i’m a bitch.  i’m a lover.  i’m a child.  i’m a mother.  i’m a sinner.  i’m a saint.” and no, “i do not feel ashamed.”

UPDATED:  Congrats to steenface, winner of Danny Evans new book RAGE Against the Meshugenah

in exactly 14 days, RAGE Against the Meshugenah, authored by my favorite “neutered jew,” (his words, not mine) , Danny Evans will be released.  some of you may already be familiar with his brilliance from his blog DadGoneMad.com and some of you may just be wading in the shallow depths of his hilarity.

i urge you to dive in.  both feet.  now.

here is what i can personally vouch for…

• danny = good people, really good people, salt of the earth.
• RAGE will rock your world, seriously the whole world that you currently exist in.
• no one on the face of this planet is capable of writing about battling depression, and making their readers piss in their pants with laughter like this man… brilliant, i tell you.  fucking brilliant.
• danny and RAGE saved my marriage.

he is giving away a signed copy of his book to Blogher@Home, his masterpiece pre-release!

it’s only fitting that this magnificent man, has offered ONE signed copy of RAGE to ONE lucky winner.  (i mean c’mon, this is pre-release.  let us not be greedy.  simply pre-order at amazon if you haven’t already.)

Here’s how you can get it:

• Leave a comment briefly discussing NOT your sob story regarding depression, but your strength in overcoming it, especially through laughter = 1 entry
• Follow BlogHerAtHome and Danny on Twitter and Tweet about this giveaway (leave us a comment with the link to the tweet)= 1 entry

THIS POST IS NSFW

my husband flies planes for the navy.  he has been deployed…  MULTIPLE TIMES (pun intended).  and that’s when my dear friend (whose name i shall not mention) introduced me to the vibrator.  YES!!!  THE VIBRATOR!!!  THE SILVER BULLET!!!!  and oh sweet jesus did it worked it’s wonderous magic for the 6 months (x 3) that he was gone.

so…  hub still flies planes, though is not currently deployed.  (WOO!  THANKS BARRACK!)  anyway, point being that BlogHer begins this coming weekend and there will be sex toys -a-plenty with you kinky, crazy, lovely, lovas out there.

and why shouldn’t those of us at home (or in my case, at a wedding) miss out on all the fun?!?!

thus, i direct you to maria‘s post where she descriptively tells you how to have a party in your pants…  pre-cocktail, post-cocktail, even during cocktail….  as long as there’s a smile on your gorgeous face.  :)

enjoy maria‘s post…  enter to win THE GREEN SHAFT (only for folks who are NOT going to BlogHer ’09 in Chicago) and shake your groove thang!!!

GET IT, GURL!!!!!!!!

ok, so 5 days out of the country and on a luxurious cruise with my bro left me entirely out of the loop in terms of BlogherAtHome, and i apologize for that sweet homies.  i know jenn and others have been holding down the fort in my absence… and doing a fanfuckingtastic job, right?  :)

so, time (for me at least) is going by waaaaaaay too quickly.  i have an inbox that has nearly exceeded its limit (i didn’t even know they could do that) and my feedburner is on fucking fire.  that’s what i get for being out of touch for 5 days.

before i left, last week, jenn and i were asked to be a part of the MOST incredible project on the face of the planet… and no, it does not include anything related to michael jackson or asking usher to sing to MJ again while stroking his coffin.  nor does it include al sharpton.  so cheers to that!

so much awesomeness has been going on with BlogherAtHome that i find myself entirely overwhelmed with gratitude for the support we’ve gotten, whether it be in terms of swag, tweets to jenn and i just saying “thanks for doing this,” or meghan and heather contacting us about friendsofmaddie.org

i guess the lesson in all of this is that i need to leave the country more often and indulge in more umbrella drinks, cuz when i do, shit actually gets done.  :)  so a big ol’ WOOT WOOT to jenn and company for kicking some major ass over the last week.

so, i tweeted with jenn yesterday from the miami airport, asking what i need to do to get back into the swing of things with this…  her answer was “post something about how the hell you’re going to BlogherAtHome from a wedding.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

well………..  paul and i arrive in birmingham this coming friday night, just in time for my college roommate’s rehearsal dinner.  we will attend that, and at whatever hour of the night we get back to our hotel room, i plan on logging on to skype (ps: my skype name is mybottlesup) and finding out who is where and drinking what.  i think skype will prob be my best method of communicating with you folks when i’m in the hotel.  at the wedding reception saturday, i’ll have my phone with me where i can log in, twitter, send obnoxious twitpics, and possibly flash a bewbie or even two.  :)~

as far as the swag and giveaways go….  my faith and trust is in jenn.  come sunday, i will return home and we can discuss who won what and begin that whole process of getting your shits sent out to y’all.

basically time just will NOT slow down for me.   but that’s ok.  i’m runnin with it… sprinting even!  awesome things are happening, awesome people are gathering, and the overall awesomeness will continue…

what are your plans?  will you truly be joining BlogherAtHome from home?  will you be elsewhere like me?  will you skype?  twitter?  log in to the site?  find a way for us to chat?

that @PrincessJenn of our’s…  i tell ya what…  if you missed her drunken tweets last night, shame, shame, shame on you!  my gut (which seems to be growing exponentially these days) tells me that last night was just a preview of the awesomeness that makes our jenn the ultimate drunken princess come BlogHer@Home weekend.

ah, how i love her…

i digress…  there is business to attend to and it’s important business.  very important.  extremely important.  and that important business is the business of HOW THE FUCK IS THIS ALL GOING TO WORK OUT?!?  like really…  logically speaking, how are jenn and i, and many others going to actually pull this stunt off and truly BlogHer@Home.

i can’t help but laugh as i write this because i’m actually not going to be at home that weekend.  i will be in birmingham, alabama for my college roommate’s wedding.  the laptop will come with, so that i can check in, tweet, blog, etc…  but i won’t be actually lounging in my pjs with 14 of sara’s drinks like the rest of you bitches.

funny story: um, the night that jenn and i tweeted about creating BlogHer@Home, i was drunker than dammit.  i was all “hell yeah, let’s party on the web and rock out like BlogHer groupies” only without the stress, anxiety, shopping trips, etc that comes with actually attending BlogHer, like in person.  so i got all visionary about it, and she got all techy about it… and i continued to drink about it.  and the next morning i looked at my calendar.  and realized i had a wedding to attend.

the following question has been posed by the lovely @agentninety9 and it dawned on me that some others might actually be wondering how jenn and i are going to pull this off…

so, let’s get to the nitty gritty…  while i will be in wedding attire (no, i’m not a bridesmaid THANK GOD) that is kick-ass and yes i will post pics because my bewbies will be lookin’ mighty fine…  those of you at home, truly attending BlogHer@Home should consider wearing one or all of the following…

• your birthday suit: c’mon, you’re goina be piss drunk anyway and then you won’t have to take anything off for bathroom breaks.
• pjs: always in style, allows you to go sans bra so that you can flash us at any point in time throughout the weekend.
• hot dress: ok, fine… if you’ve been to BlogHer… like the real one… before, then fine, break out your hotness and wear your cleavage-enticing, panty-less wonder of a hot dress that’s sat in your closet since last year’s BlogHer.
• a baby: i realize there are nursing moms who will be tuning in to BlogHer@Home that weekend, so if you wanna strap on the babe who suckles so sweetly at your breast, feel free… feel fuckin’ free my friends.

the sky is the limit, folks.  make-up, no make-up…  greasy hair cuz you can’t stand up in the shower to wash it due to your drunkenness…  or hair that looks like that silly mom with the babies-a-plenty on the Suave commercial.  (no, they didn’t pay me to say that).  come as you are!!!

another business matter is time-zones…  you tweeps are everywhere.  i will be on central time in good ol’ alabama, but we’ve got west coasters, canadians, east coasters, drunk coasters (oh wait, that’s not right).  anyway…  let’s brainstorm in the comments section of this post and get some ideas stirrin’ up on how we can chat, skype, etc…

if you have ideas on how jenn and i can set up a chat network or feed at certain times on certain days, throw it out there.  BlogHer@Home is for all of us, so the more input we can get to pull this shit off, the better.

ok, this post was exhausting to write…  who’s got a drink for me?  oh yeah, and don’t forget to comment below about jenn’s drunkenness…  *cough cough* i mean the important biznass at hand…